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09/18/2003

Hi. so. an entry. i have not done one in a while. i know people keep checking, waiting for something.

i dont know what to say. i was dumped. its been almost a week. i was dumped by the same girl that has dumped me before.i know i should say broken up with. i do not want to paint a bad picture of her...at all. i just couldnt make her happy. i tried again and again and i failed.

i have been hurting. yet, i have also been doing better than expected. i have been out. i have been record shopping. i have seen a few friends now and again. i also have lied to a few friends saying that we were hanging out...yep...delusional. i think for the most part i am because every other time we had a problem we would eventually fix it(or put a band-aid on it). this time that didnt happen and as much as i still want it, it wont happen. like i said, she wasn't happy with me and i couldn't make her happy.

sure, some ways i could. this was the best relationship i have ever had. the thing is that we had problems galore. problems i dont want to get into. i dont know, i havent even been thinking about the problems. i am not capable of that yet. i keep thinking of the mornings, the emails, our phone calls, holding hands, kissing goodnight, going to the barn, playing with her dog, going to shows, traveling, shopping, cuddling on the couch, taking numerous walks to our rooms, sleeping together, rubbing her shoulders, her back, neck and whatever else, eating, standing next to her, helping her, whatever...all the good stuff...we had lots of it. i can hope that she would agree.

i still say she is the best girlfriend ever. she will never be lumped with the others. sadly, i am not the best boyfriend ever. i dont want to whine and that is exactly what i am doing. i mean, you go from one thing to something that you dont know but you used to know. i could go on forever.

whats crazy is that i would try it again. yet i guess i know it would not work. i dont know why. i spent a year trying to figure that out and i am tired.

do i regret it? no, not at all.

do i miss her? more than anyone in the world.

thats all for now.

little whirl - just the song i was listening to...means nothing more.

long live

 

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