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02/04/2004
i need to listen to the white album. so, last night i get home and check my messages. i had 6 new messages! i felt super popular. i checked the messages and they were all hang-ups. so i did the star of 69. my ex girlfriend had called. she claimed to be the one leaving the wordless messages. i cant complain, i did the same thing over the weekend. sometimes yelling, sometimes just listening. anyways, i called her back. that actually happened during the claiming part. i doubt this makes any sense. i need coffee. we talked about stuff. its confusing, she broke up with me and then wants to know if i am sad. of course i am sad. i haven't really been dealing with it. back story...last week i blew up. i blew up hardcore. we both said some nasty things. mine ended up being more nasty. that compounded with a crazy past led her to dump/break up with me again. i spent the weekend in a hole. i was a mess. i didn't think it was healthy to continue that route. the weird thing is she seemed to be worried about me. however she also called the night before. sometime after midnight. i find out last night that she was in lakewood the night before. if she was worried then drive by, stop over, something. instead she now suddenly goes to lakewood bars. i tried forever for that. i am sad. i am very sad. its been really rough over the last year or so. i accomplished the dream of meeting a girl at a show. i have a beautiful history with her. i wont ever disregard that. i already miss watching TV, going to target, being called jerky...and that is just the tip of the ice berg. i miss how her hand fit into mine. i miss sitting all day and emailing. i miss waiting for the door to buzz. i miss writing poems about the buzzing door. i am going to change topics because i had planned on talking about some other things. monday night i got the cd of the TMP live Halloween show. i love it. the cover of the dead milkmen sounds really cool. i mention this because i decided that day to cover it and then decided that night on how to go about it. i think it will be a standard. i am proud to say that i defeated a former ohio spelling bee champ in scrabble. i had not played since 2000. i still remember the board flying across the room. anyways. who knows what tomorrow has in store. life is crazy. always the usual. � 
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