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02/16/2004

i don't really know why i am bothering. i guess that i am using this as an actual diary.

so, lets begin.

late night saturday i had what i would like to refer to as a mental/nervous/anxiety attack/breakdown. i think that the build up of everything over the past few weeks finally reached a boiling point. i cracked, i caved, i crumbled. i broke a few things, i harmed myself. it is easily one of the worst and most terrifying things that i have ever been through. in terms of harming myself, i am okay. i hurt my head. a few scratches. it still hurts today. it is possible that i should have gone to the doctor. in terms of breaking things...i destroyed my alarm clock and broke a lamp.

i have never gone through anything like this before. i have never tried to harm myself. i have never felt so alone and scared. scared. scared because i feel like tony took a backseat to whatever is going on.

its not a big secret that i do not enjoy my job. when i began working i loved it. i couldnt get enough of it. i had huge dreams. then that all started to fall apart. mondays became an utterly horrible thought. by noon on sunday i would get so down thinking about the up and coming week.

i have been looking for new employement. i also know that everyone hates what they do...at least i am told that. i can honestly say that every single job prior i have enjoyed. i am not everybody. i also know many, many people that actually like what they do.

the other huge obstacle is the relationship that i had. it is so hard for me to explain to anybody just how complex that was. i miss that more than anything. lately all that i have done is make things worse. i am a better person that this. my mom asked me what i liked about her...i responded...i liked her taste in music, her sarcasm, the way she made fun of things and the laugh that she could evoke from me, i miss traveling with her. i miss being able to cuddle. i miss seeing her appear at my door. i miss going to the barn. i miss the entire county of medina. i miss being able to talk to her. being able to hold her hand. i miss racing down the steps. i realize that this went from what i like to what i miss...but at the same time, the things i like are what i miss. i found love. i found true love. i had all of that. i had plans to live in medina. i had this great future that was in such an easy reach. its funny because over the past couple weeks i have been hanging out with all sorts of people. i have made some new friends. i have hung out with some old friends. through and through i come home every night. the first thing i do is go to the phone and hope for a voicemail. it is not as easy as forgetting. i dont want to forget. its not as simple as go and replace. i cannot do that. i dont care how smart one girl might be or how another girl might want to spend time with me, none of that stuff matters. i know exactly what i want. its what i have wanted all along. lately what i want is what i cant have. that compounded with everything else makes day to day living a challenge.

starting tomorrow i am going to see a psychologist. i think this is currently the best thing that i can do. i am doing it for myself. i need to understand what it is that makes me feel alone and unwanted. i need to understand what makes me react and lose it. i am hoping that with being able to talk with someone that i will be able to get my life back in order. i hope that somehow i can get my relationship back. its easy enough for someone to change jobs, its not as easy to get back the girl that i love especially after i have caused more pain than i would think anyone prior. believe me, i am a good person.

so, the past two days. they have sucked. they have really sucked. i have slept and food hasnt been all that appealing. i have slept a lot. i was supposed to go and read at the beachland last night and i bailed out of that. oddly enough i didnt get a phone call from anyone so i doubt that it mattered. as for today...i didnt bother with going to work. i had to train a new emplpoyee...that seemed so far out of what i could do. work understood. so far the people that i have told have understood. i think its cause most people know me. they know that i am a good guy. that i bring a lot to the table. at the same time, i keep reminding myself of these things.

i guess that all the drinking and going out over the past few weeks has really hid me from what matters most.

if anyone feels like visiting, playing some uno or listening to music, please do. i guess its weird cause not many of my super close friends read this. in fact, of the people that do only a couple know where i live. bizarre.

i have now been writing for 60 minutes. i just went back and read all that i have written. some of it seems confused, but all of it seems grounded. i hope that whoever reads this doesnt think i am crazy...or completely gone...i am not, tony meda is just on hold...thats really it.

thanks for reading.

 

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